Dog Jokes

A selection of dog jokes to make you smile....................................................

A passenger had just settled into his seat next to the window on a
 plane when another passenger sat down in the aisle seat and put his black
  Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the passenger The first
 passenger looked quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the
  plane.
 
  The passenger explained that he was a DEA agent and the dog was a
  "sniffing dog". His name was Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you
 once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
 
  The plane took off, and once it had levelled out, the agent said
 "Watch this. He told Sniffer to "search". The dog jumped down, walked along
 the aisle and sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
  Sniffer then returned to its seat and put a paw on the agent's arm. The agent
  said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said: "That woman is in
  possession of marijuana, so I 'm making a note of her seat number and the
 authorities will apprehend her when we land."
 
  "That's great" replied the first passenger.
 
  Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab
 sniffed about, sat down beside a passenger for a few seconds, returned to its
  seat, and this time, he placed TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent said,
  "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat
 number for the police."
 
  "I like it!" says his seatmate. The agent then told Sniffer to
 "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat
 down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the
  middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.
 
  The first passenger was really grossed out by this behaviour and
 couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he
 asked the agent "What's going on?" The agent nervously replied, "He just
 found a bomb!"

A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners whom he knew wasn't a very good housekeeper.  When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.  She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".

He felt a bit apprehensive but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.  When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and barked "Here Soap! Here Water!"

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that''s him," he replied. The stranger couldn''t help but be amused. "That certainly doesn''t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

A man was very proud of his guard dog, he would leave it to roam free in the garden to sow the world his house was guarded. One day a woman knocked at his door. "Is that your big dog outside?" Wondering how she had got past him he said "Yes why?" She said I''m sorry but my dog just killed him!" "What??" Roared the man "What kind of dog have you got??" "A Peke" Replied the woman. "A Peke??? how could that little thing kill my big fine guard dog?" "I think it got stuck in his throat!" Replied the woman.

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog

For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. 
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

    "You talk?" he asks.
    "Yep," the lab replies.
    "So, what's your story?"

    The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my
gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping.  I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

    "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger so I wanted to settle down I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in.  I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
medals.  I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed.  He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.

    "Ten dollars."   

The guy says, "This dog is amazing.  Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

    "Because he's a liar.  He didn't do any of that stuff."

 An airline customer-service agent got a call from a woman who wanted to know
if she could take her dog on board. The Agent told her the dog was welcome, as
long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. 

He further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to
stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.

"I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!" she said, and hung up.

 

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